Fear

Tonight I had a little bout with fear. Normally, I would surrender. Just lay back and take whatever fear wanted to give me. Fighting back to me would have been out of the question. But I am tired of not fighting back right now. I am tired of being trampled on. So tonight I fought back. Granted, I fell asleep. But it was still a victory. I didn't let fear enter the ugly part of my soul and take over. I didn't let fear convince me that it was stronger than me. I didn't let fear win. I merely fell asleep. And I won.

I realized that I had control. I knew somewhere in that deep disturbed mind of mine that I have always had control. Not just over fear, but over anger, over lust, over sadness, hell even over my own happiness. But it was just so always easy to take the high road out and blame all the bad things instead of blaming the culprit, me. I think I am really starting to understand that things are only bad if I allow them to be bad.

So tonight, after winning my little bout with fear. After keeping the doors nice and locked and looking at fear standing outside my door through the peep hole. I laugh. It's crazy to realize that it has really been this easy this whole time. To keep out that which does not agree with me and let in only what I see fit. Things are going to start changing. It's never too late.