Do you know what it's like?

I am so pissed off right now. Why say something and not mean what you say? Why bother acknowledging someone when you are only gonna ignore them. Why say you are going to be there for someone when you know damn well that you are not? Why do that to someone who has never done anything but love you?

If you have an answer for that, I will be you friend forever. But alas, that is all just a dream. There are just some people who don't care about anything but themselves and who they see fit to care about. Kicked to the curb again. I am really starting to get tired of it. I am really starting to hate everything about it.

I don't hate though, it's not in my nature. I wouldn't even know if I was doing it right. I can't hate. I just can't. i have tried so hard to see the good in everything and everybody. Even those who don't deserve it only to be crapped on by the people that mean the most to me. I don't understand anymore. I just don't understand.

I wish someone could explain it to me.

Fear

Tonight I had a little bout with fear. Normally, I would surrender. Just lay back and take whatever fear wanted to give me. Fighting back to me would have been out of the question. But I am tired of not fighting back right now. I am tired of being trampled on. So tonight I fought back. Granted, I fell asleep. But it was still a victory. I didn't let fear enter the ugly part of my soul and take over. I didn't let fear convince me that it was stronger than me. I didn't let fear win. I merely fell asleep. And I won.

I realized that I had control. I knew somewhere in that deep disturbed mind of mine that I have always had control. Not just over fear, but over anger, over lust, over sadness, hell even over my own happiness. But it was just so always easy to take the high road out and blame all the bad things instead of blaming the culprit, me. I think I am really starting to understand that things are only bad if I allow them to be bad.

So tonight, after winning my little bout with fear. After keeping the doors nice and locked and looking at fear standing outside my door through the peep hole. I laugh. It's crazy to realize that it has really been this easy this whole time. To keep out that which does not agree with me and let in only what I see fit. Things are going to start changing. It's never too late.

For some reason, people have been saying "Tina, write something it will help". You see, for the last year I have been in a downward spiral. I have lost my mind, my sanity and strangely enough my ability to write. Within the last couple of days I have kind of found my voice again. Finding that I am needing to say things. Most of the time I would worry about what I say and opt not to say anything for fear of someone not liking it or someone criticizing it. Not this time. My mind just has too much shit in it right now to keep it all inside. I am going to make it a point to get to this every night, as I have a lot to say. Sometimes, it will be very meaningful. Other times it will be nonsense. It will be helpful I know this much.