Today is not a good day

It's been a long while since a- I've written anything b- acknowledged that I'm having bad anxiety or c- complained about it. My mind is racing a bunch of different races right. Don't quite know which lane to be in. Having problems because I am questioning my sanity. Wondering if my mind is actually as in tact as I think it is. My anxiety is getting out of control again and I am starting to break out in a rash because of it. I don't know what is causing it, I'm leveled out right now thanks to paxil but right now I don't think I have much choice. But going back to my zombie ways was not on the agenda.  I have a lot going on and I don't have time for all this, yet trying to juggle this Anger and Hate that I am going through along with juggling routine life, I think I have no choice but to drug up to keep demons at bay. This is the ugly part of mental illness, the one that rears it's head just when you think things are going well.  I wish, I could wish for this all to go away!!

The thoughts are never the same... May 9th, 2012

Been wanting to do this again.  I've put it off for a while. Probably in my attempt to not face reality.  Probably because like all women in the world right now, I'm reading 50 Shades of Grey (actually Freed now) But I've found myself on this blog trying to make good of the thoughts floating around my head.  Since I last checked in - I got a laptop which is allowing me to continue this endevour. Lost my father which is part of my jacked up mind, lost someone very close to me and after being in this house of mine for 33 years, i find myself closing up shop and moving in with my brother and his family. Almost 40 and really nothing to show for it.

Since I was 14 i"ve taken care of my mom (who passed away in 2008) and my dad (who passed in January), Life not taking care of anyone is something that is foreign to me.  I've never not taken care of someone. I don't know where to begin or end.  All the while I find myself trying to throw myself into different activities that always ends the same.  Me losing interest or me getting completely enthralled. I think it's a libra thing.  Always trying to have some kind of balance so I send my mind from one extreme to the next in an attempt to keep my mind level.  Teeter totting everything. It's safe to say that this has not been a good thing, but in some way it also has not been bad.  I'm learning that I really do have control over what I want to do and what I don't.  Before, when my parents were alive, the day to day situations dicated everything.  I could or couldn't do things based on how my dad or mom were feeling.  Now the only one stopping me is me,

Which brings chaos!  I need control, but not self inflicted control. I can't do that.  Never have been able to. I need control that comes from someone or something else and because I've holed myself up in my house, i don't have that either.  I've spent my time consumed by the 50 Shades Series, trying to convince the world that my favorite Gigolo from the Showtime show should be cast as Christian Grey and playing Bejewled Blitz on Facebook.  And I'm satisfied with that. 

I wish I could stay in my house, but my dad just left me with too much to handle and it's just not feesible.  This house is old and needs too much work.  I've toyed with the notion of moving away, but my health wouldn't permit me living away from my family.  Extreme Anxiety plagues my life and being away from my family would be too much. But i'll tell you this much about my anxiety. When my mom died I thought my world was over. My anxiety was out of control and my mind was right behind it, I ended up attempting suicide. Gratefully, i was given a second chance to get my life together. I found out what was real - what needed to change - who I needed to let go off and what I needed to do to make my life work.  So when my dad passed in January, I was able to keep my mind intact. With the help of my prozac I keep my mind at bay.  But that leads me to my little addictions.

Television is a big one.  I find that I schedule what I do around what I watch and am thrown in a ball of confusion if my routine gets messed with.  The second has become reading.  I think Barnes & Noble may be happy with this, but my mind is a little confused by it.  I'm a writer that doesn't like to read, or so I thought.  The third is Twitter and trying to get people to agree that Steven Gantt from Showtime's Gigolos should be cast as Christian Grey!  This is a god of a man that needs to be cast as the sex god Christian Grey from the 50 Shades series. It is my mission to see that he at least gets put on a maybe list.  I hope that Hollywood has enough sense to cast someone that can handle the contents of this book and not some top name Hollywood star with a bunch of demands.  The book deserves carnal acting and I think Steven Gantt can do this.  I think the acting will come from expirences and will be that much more believeable.  Christian Grey deserves that!! E.L. James deserves that!

Ok enough for tonight, if you read this - thank you! More in the next couple days...

Do you know what it's like?

I am so pissed off right now. Why say something and not mean what you say? Why bother acknowledging someone when you are only gonna ignore them. Why say you are going to be there for someone when you know damn well that you are not? Why do that to someone who has never done anything but love you?

If you have an answer for that, I will be you friend forever. But alas, that is all just a dream. There are just some people who don't care about anything but themselves and who they see fit to care about. Kicked to the curb again. I am really starting to get tired of it. I am really starting to hate everything about it.

I don't hate though, it's not in my nature. I wouldn't even know if I was doing it right. I can't hate. I just can't. i have tried so hard to see the good in everything and everybody. Even those who don't deserve it only to be crapped on by the people that mean the most to me. I don't understand anymore. I just don't understand.

I wish someone could explain it to me.

Fear

Tonight I had a little bout with fear. Normally, I would surrender. Just lay back and take whatever fear wanted to give me. Fighting back to me would have been out of the question. But I am tired of not fighting back right now. I am tired of being trampled on. So tonight I fought back. Granted, I fell asleep. But it was still a victory. I didn't let fear enter the ugly part of my soul and take over. I didn't let fear convince me that it was stronger than me. I didn't let fear win. I merely fell asleep. And I won.

I realized that I had control. I knew somewhere in that deep disturbed mind of mine that I have always had control. Not just over fear, but over anger, over lust, over sadness, hell even over my own happiness. But it was just so always easy to take the high road out and blame all the bad things instead of blaming the culprit, me. I think I am really starting to understand that things are only bad if I allow them to be bad.

So tonight, after winning my little bout with fear. After keeping the doors nice and locked and looking at fear standing outside my door through the peep hole. I laugh. It's crazy to realize that it has really been this easy this whole time. To keep out that which does not agree with me and let in only what I see fit. Things are going to start changing. It's never too late.

For some reason, people have been saying "Tina, write something it will help". You see, for the last year I have been in a downward spiral. I have lost my mind, my sanity and strangely enough my ability to write. Within the last couple of days I have kind of found my voice again. Finding that I am needing to say things. Most of the time I would worry about what I say and opt not to say anything for fear of someone not liking it or someone criticizing it. Not this time. My mind just has too much shit in it right now to keep it all inside. I am going to make it a point to get to this every night, as I have a lot to say. Sometimes, it will be very meaningful. Other times it will be nonsense. It will be helpful I know this much.