Been wanting to do this again. I've put it off for a while. Probably in my attempt to not face reality. Probably because like all women in the world right now, I'm reading 50 Shades of Grey (actually Freed now) But I've found myself on this blog trying to make good of the thoughts floating around my head. Since I last checked in - I got a laptop which is allowing me to continue this endevour. Lost my father which is part of my jacked up mind, lost someone very close to me and after being in this house of mine for 33 years, i find myself closing up shop and moving in with my brother and his family. Almost 40 and really nothing to show for it.
Since I was 14 i"ve taken care of my mom (who passed away in 2008) and my dad (who passed in January), Life not taking care of anyone is something that is foreign to me. I've never not taken care of someone. I don't know where to begin or end. All the while I find myself trying to throw myself into different activities that always ends the same. Me losing interest or me getting completely enthralled. I think it's a libra thing. Always trying to have some kind of balance so I send my mind from one extreme to the next in an attempt to keep my mind level. Teeter totting everything. It's safe to say that this has not been a good thing, but in some way it also has not been bad. I'm learning that I really do have control over what I want to do and what I don't. Before, when my parents were alive, the day to day situations dicated everything. I could or couldn't do things based on how my dad or mom were feeling. Now the only one stopping me is me,
Which brings chaos! I need control, but not self inflicted control. I can't do that. Never have been able to. I need control that comes from someone or something else and because I've holed myself up in my house, i don't have that either. I've spent my time consumed by the 50 Shades Series, trying to convince the world that my favorite Gigolo from the Showtime show should be cast as Christian Grey and playing Bejewled Blitz on Facebook. And I'm satisfied with that.
I wish I could stay in my house, but my dad just left me with too much to handle and it's just not feesible. This house is old and needs too much work. I've toyed with the notion of moving away, but my health wouldn't permit me living away from my family. Extreme Anxiety plagues my life and being away from my family would be too much. But i'll tell you this much about my anxiety. When my mom died I thought my world was over. My anxiety was out of control and my mind was right behind it, I ended up attempting suicide. Gratefully, i was given a second chance to get my life together. I found out what was real - what needed to change - who I needed to let go off and what I needed to do to make my life work. So when my dad passed in January, I was able to keep my mind intact. With the help of my prozac I keep my mind at bay. But that leads me to my little addictions.
Television is a big one. I find that I schedule what I do around what I watch and am thrown in a ball of confusion if my routine gets messed with. The second has become reading. I think Barnes & Noble may be happy with this, but my mind is a little confused by it. I'm a writer that doesn't like to read, or so I thought. The third is Twitter and trying to get people to agree that Steven Gantt from Showtime's Gigolos should be cast as Christian Grey! This is a god of a man that needs to be cast as the sex god Christian Grey from the 50 Shades series. It is my mission to see that he at least gets put on a maybe list. I hope that Hollywood has enough sense to cast someone that can handle the contents of this book and not some top name Hollywood star with a bunch of demands. The book deserves carnal acting and I think Steven Gantt can do this. I think the acting will come from expirences and will be that much more believeable. Christian Grey deserves that!! E.L. James deserves that!
Ok enough for tonight, if you read this - thank you! More in the next couple days...
